Sentimental

I admit it!  I am sentimental.

Several years ago my oldest accused me of being sentimental because I reflected on special times in her childhood and in our relationship.  She accused in a scathing, angry voice.  So what?

It may be that she is NOT sentimental.  But I am in my own way.

I care that children be treated well, that children do well, that they be prepared for the ups and downs of adulthood.

I care that pets are treated well, that mothers are honored, and that families enjoy one another.

On the other hand I don't care much for most holidays or holiday gatherings.  However, whether I care much or not, many other people do care, and I care about them.  Sentimental old me.

Sentiment that doesn't translate into positive behavior is shallow and wasted.  I encourage people who are sentimental to move beyond that into positive behavior, over and over again.

What do you think?  Leave a comment and let us know.

Freedom brings Problems

I have a friend who has been angry for the 46 or 47 years I have known him.  The world does not run (according to him) the way it should and he is pissed!  Still, after all these years.

He recently built an elaborate tree house, and I got to thinking about it.  What if every nail, every bolt, every stick of wood, every piece of metal, every item of roofing material had a mind of it's own.  Some might want to be part of the treehouse.
 Some might want to be part of a boat.
 Some might want to stay in the lumber yard or hardware store.
 Some might hate builders.
 Some might resent change.  Any change.

You get the picture.  He grabs a nail that wants to be back in the lumber yard and it twists our of his hand.  He starts raising a board up to the level where the floor of the tree house will be and it jumps and twists.  "I"m a roof board, dammit!  I'm never going to be a floor board!" it screams in board talk.  Some of the roofing material cringes as he comes hear.  "We don't want to get wet!" is screams in roofing language, and it sticks together, hard to pry apart to be set and nailed in place.

Crazy thinking, of course.

But that's the world in which we live.  Every human makes choices, usually trying to choose paths which enhance her or his own life, her or his own family, and disregarding all the other folks in the world and universe.  Add to that predictable events of nature:  earthquakes, volcano eruptions, droughts, storms, sunny days, tides going up and going down, high winds, solar flares, asteroids streaking away from our planet or towards our planet or somewhere nowhere near our planet.  Layer upon layer of complexity must be accounted for.

And my friend is freaked out that the world doesn't run the way he believe it "should".  He is bitter that the world, the universe and other people are not consulting him each morning.  He is close to eighty years old and hasn't gotten over his childhood tantrums.

I find this strange.  What do you think?  How do you respond to complexity in this world?  Without taking away your own freedoms, can you find help in the phrase, "It is what it is?"

Useful? Heroic?

I heard a Ricky Skaggs  - Sharon White song about, "If I needed you would you come to me?"

One phrase, "I would come to you... I would swim the sea" made me think.

Most people I need don't need to swim the ocean.  I need to have them listen and hear me.

I need people to find out what I need, and provide that, rather than what they think I need, or they want me to need.

I need people to respect me enough to set boundaries and communicate what the boundaries are for and what makes them need those boundaries.

I need people to value me even whey they disagree with me.

Well, you get the picture.  Someone who will do the heroic gesture and then ignore me won't really meet my needs.

What about yours?  Leave a comment and let us know what you need, and what you think of these kinds of things.

Relating to Aging People

Twenty-five years ago I worked with my sister to help place our mother in an assisted living housing situation.  My mother's mind was not working well, and we had to have someone with her all day until my sister returned home from work.  Even then she wandered away and nearly lost her life to exposure when she could not remember where she was or how to get home.  She understood the need and participated in our search.  The place where she spent her last years was warm, comfortable, and friendly.  She made the adjustment well.  Fairly well, actually, but we didn't know about the alcohol issues she continued to have until after her death.

Currently we face another situation, an aging parent, whose mind is farther gone and who is resisting efforts to care for her.  She will shortly be admitted to an assisted living facility for her own safety.  She lives alone and has done so for many years.

What are we learning?

First, she cannot be held responsible for her dementia.  The circuits in her brain are not making reliable, accurate connections any more and what she says, how often she repeats herself, and what she fails to remember result from the deterioration of her brain, not from her conscious choices.

Second, back when she was mentally able, should could have helped by looking into assisted living.  Scouting, as it were, and expressing her choices to her surviving children or others who would be helping her.  She did not do so, and no one held her accountable at that time.

Third, we who are living as supportive, caring people can take precautions for our own surviving family.  This goes beyond having a will, giving a medical power of attorney to someone we trust, and having a living will.  Did I mention Long Term Health Care policies?  As I write this my wife is putting together yet another box of "stuff" we don't use and don't need for Goodwill.  Our goal is to leave our daughter as little to do as possible when one or both of us cannot live in this house any longer.

We listen to our friends who are selecting assisted living facilities.  We listen for amenities, comfort, costs, stages of assistance.  We talk occasionally with our daughter about our wishes, our preparations and our expectations.  Incidentally, based on family genetics, we probably won't need such are for fifteen or twenty years.

We talk with each other about when to sell the house, and what kind of situation we would like to move in to.

Why?

Because we care about those who will survive us and we care about each other.  We realize the need  to prepare as much as we can to help our daughter, and maybe our granddaughters, by being proactive.  We are choosing to relate positively.

What do you think?  Leave a comment and let us know.

What If You Don't Have Any Relationships?

Most people have one or more relationship(s).  Here's how it looks to me.

S had at least some relationships to himself/herself, unless he/she suffers from amnesia, or some other extreme situation leaving him or her blank even about himself.  That's one relationship.

S may also have one or more relationships beyond that to self.  If a parent is still alive and able to interact, there could be a relationship to the parent.  It may be positive, modest, intense, negative, or even take the form of denying a relationship.  "I don't care if he is my dad.  I want nothing to do with him!"

Hey!  That's still a form of relationship.

If employed, a person has relationships with supervisors, co-workers and those who report to the person.  They may not be "close" or "warm" or "friendly" relationships.  But there is an ongoing, developing relationship.

The true loner who cannot remember her parents, who does not work for or with others, who shops only by mail and internet and never has anyone service any part of her life (car, home, furnace, etc.) may only have a relationship to the self.  This person may be the epitome of poverty-stricken.

What do you think?  As you review your here-and-now life, how many relationships of various kinds can you count?  Share your insights and your responses with us, please.