Rewriting History 3-13-13

A couple we know, middle aged, with their own children, have strong needs to be victims.  Each was raised with some joy, some pain, but with supportive families and friends.  In other words, they were raised like many of us.  Both were required to move once or twice during their childhood, and did so with grace and confidence.

For some reason, however, each became a person who has to be a star in his/her own drama.  To be the "victim star", however, they have to be victims.  Thus, after pondering their plight, each has chosen to rewrite history.  In spite of support from parents, they have "abandonment issues".  In spite of parent participating in their lives, they grew up oh-so-lonely.  Well, you get the picture.

Being victims, abandoned, and so forth, they now can choose crappy ways of relating, or not relating, to their families.  They feel justified.  And they relate badly.

Any one who wants an excuse for self-centered choices rather than positive  relational choices, can find such an excuse.  Maybe you have chosen to be the victim in your own drama.  What kind of choices are you making?  Are you accepting of reasonably OK relationships with a variety of imperfect people?  

Have you encountered folks who have to be the stars of their own drama?  Have you been hurt by such people?  Have you resisted the urge to rewrite your own history and found genuine self-acceptance whatever your history?

Leave a comment and let us know what you think, or something of your experience. 

Revenge (and relationships) - 1

TV shows and films in 2012 and 2013 (so far) include a preponderance of emphases on the value and virtue of revenge.  Although mostly male actors express their commitment to revenge, some "hard-ass" women actors are just as determined.  It's a message our culture has often embraced, but it became a sort of unholy mantra after the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

It feels so right.  Revenge results, however, are so wrong.

Revenge was used to create a war on and in Iraq that had nothing based in reality for it's creation.  No Weapons of Mass Destruction.  No Osama.  No connection to Osama.  But once our war machine began operating, we unleashed Sunni, Shiite and Kurd expressions of revenge.  In fact, about the only thing came comes close to uniting the people of Iraq is a desire to exact revenge on the United States.  (Wrong:  they are also pretty united in hatred for Israel.)

Much the same thing can be said for our war in Afghanistan except that Osama seems to have used that nation as a springboard, and the Taliban as an expression of his fanaticism.  But ten years later, most of the citizens hate being occupied by the USA.  Revenge has not done us any good, and it has cost hundreds of billions of dollars.

On the personal level, there is consistent testimony that once a person has been able to exact a personal revenge on someone who may have "deserved it", a hole is left and the emptiness just doesn't go away.

What do you think?  Leave a comment and let us know. 

The Privilege of Avoidance

Many of us live in a fast-paced urban setting, or, a fast-paced suburban setting.  In many cases we work for ourselves, we work as writers, artists, or small businesspeople.  We have many burdens and many privileges.  One of our privileges lets us avoid the people we don't want to interact with.  I call this the "Privilege of Avoidance".  It's pathetic.

John annoys me.  I don't need John to sculpt, so I cut John out of my life.
Monica calls me a hypocrite.  I don't think about what she means.  I just won't be in the same room as Monica. 
Helen makes my life miserable with her so-called humor.  It's OK.  I can avoid Helen for months, maybe for years. 
Alexander is toxic to me.  I get so sad around Alexander I begin to hate myself.  Hey!  I don't need Alexander.  I will relate only to people I like who make me feel good about myself.  And I will NOT look at myself and ask if there are reasons not to feel good about myself.

How do you handle the privilege of avoidance?  Or didn't know know you could grab it for yourself?  Leave a comment and let us know. 

Toxic People 3

I ended part one of this musing like this:  What shall we do with toxic people?  Cut them out of our lives?  Learn to ignore their foolishness and appreciate their good points?  Lock them up?  

I am not wondering what society should do with toxic people.  I am wondering what thinking people, people like you and like me, should do?  I even wonder if there is one answer that fits all situations, or it this requires pondering, puzzling over, and serious thinking. 

I have to wonder how our government would work if all the toxic people who are elected, and who influence elections, were locked away where they could not speak to other and  could not spread their poisons.

But who decides?  To many Abraham Lincoln was a toxic person who advocated for a larger role of the Federal government, for war, and for emancipation of slaves.  To many others Abraham Lincoln was not a toxic person, but a man who cautiously embraced change for himself and for his country.  Who decides?  A committee?  An individual like John Wilkes Booth?  Voters?

I know individuals who are extremist right wing bigots who advocate being ready to overthrow our United States government by force.  Yet individually many are kind to dogs and children, and pleasant to be around.  Others are violent and scary.  I have to ask what makes a person a "toxic person"?

What do you think?  How would you define for yourself what a toxic person is?  Our next part in this musing will explore ways to interact positively with toxic people.