Guilt, Shame and Living, Part Two

Shame rules most of the world.  Not guilt.  Not the absence of guilt.  Shame.

Even here in the United States children often hear, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself."  Shame is used to goad, prod, punish, immolate and destroy.  Probably because the upper classes in England did so much to destroy and damage each other and the classes 'below' them, we Americans have done a lot to abandon motivation by shame.

Sadly, we still have shame.  We have few ways of helping people move past it.

In some cultures they have rituals for dealing with shame.  A year wearing black, perhaps.  Saying, "I'm sorry."  Laying prostrate at the door of the person you besmirched, or the door of a temple, or in front of a ruler are some means of ritually cleansing oneself of the stigma of shame.  When I was first exploring this I learned that one Asian country had 28 formal methods for dealing with shame.  I thought we Americans had no such rituals.

I was wrong.  My friend, Ted, noted:  "We move away."

Americans change locations, take jobs across the country, go to the big city, or leave to live in a secluded retreat.  But we cannot all do that.

The wild West is pretty much settled.  Where will you go when you are deeply shamed, or ashamed?

Just knowing the difference between shame and guilt could help a person deal with whichever is crushing her or him.  It could help us rebuild relationships, including the relationship to one's self.

What do you think?  Leave a comment and let us know.