If You Are A Grown Up. . . Post 1

A friend of mind, now dead to this life, used to talk about being a grown-up.  She didn't use fancy words like "mature" or "wise".  She wanted to be a grown-up and wanted her family to become grown-up people.  I've been wondering about what a grownup person looks like, especially in terms of relationships.

Here are some of my suspicions.  I'll share more as we go along.

I think a grown-up has imagination.  Uses imagination.  Cultivates imagination.

Dean Koontz suggests a quality when he writes:
  “Daily I walk a high wire, always in danger of losing my balance.  The essence of my life is supernatural, which I must respect if I am to make the best use of my gift.  Yet I live in the rational world and am subject to its laws,  The temptation is to be guided entirely by impulses of an otherworldly origin—but in this world a long fall will always end in a hard impact.”  p. 75, FOREVER ODD

I would summarize this way:  a grownup constantly walks valuing the unseen (humility, hope, love, freedom, for instance, as well as the spiritual) and the seen (laws of physics, snotty noses, the need to use the bathroom, job-termination).

A grown up then values parts of relationships he/she cannot see -- loyalty, caring, honesty and trustworthiness come to mind.  This same grownup also values parts of relationships he/she can see -- shows up on time, shovels the snow off my walk when I am ill, takes turns buying lunch or coffee.

Above all a grown-up values humility in herself/himself and in others.  The TV nonsense shows that purport to honor aggressive pride, put-downs and demeaning of others make her or him want to puke.  Well, at least want to turn to another channel.

What do you think?  Do you value grown-up people?  Leave a comment and let us know.

Losing and Gaining

I had good friends in high school.  Young men I cared about who who, I believed, cared about me.  One died in a construction accident.  Another got a good job selling cars, married, and I have never seen him since his wedding.  Another apprenticed, became a journeyman, married and had a child.  I saw him two or three times after high school and never since.

"That was what life did to you, he supposed.  Wiped out important things and replaced them with other important things."
  David Baldacci, "The Forgotten", p. 39

One of the characters in Baldacci's novel reflects the reality of relationships.  While I am, by nature, loyal to a fault, few others are.  I move, they move, one changes jobs and it's too much effort to stay connected.  After awhile (a few days, weeks, or years, they find it too much trouble to stay connected.  Important relationships are wiped out, and (one hopes) are replaced by new important relationships.

Or not.  After awhile it doesn't seem as worth the effort as it once did.

I find it helps to change my expectations.  I don't expect today's friend to be there for me tomorrow.  Cynical?  Realistic?  Certainly sad, from one point of view.  We lose.  We gain.  We die.

What do you think?  Leave a comment and let us know.

Forgetting What Is Important

When I was a little boy, what was important to me?  Really important?  it was keeping my little sister safe and helping her find food.

Later, that need and priority faded and what was important was protecting and growing my own children.  Teaching them, helping them become resilient, helping them master skills like climbing, riding a bicycle safely in traffic, and facing their fears.

Later, those things were not as important to me, and protecting and helping my grandchildren took on a massive priority to which I devoted attention, time, and resources.

David Baldacci has one of his characters in "The Forgotten" say, "That was what life did to you", he supposed.  "Wiped out important things and replaced them with other important things."  [p. 39]

As I reflect I wonder about the in-between times, when the former important things have lost their priority and nothing new has taken their place.  What skills in relationships, what truth-telling and communicating, what purposefulness can a person muster "in between"?

What do you think?  Leave a comment and let us know.