Most people have one or more relationship(s). Here's how it looks to me.
S had at least some relationships to himself/herself, unless he/she suffers from amnesia, or some other extreme situation leaving him or her blank even about himself. That's one relationship.
S may also have one or more relationships beyond that to self. If a parent is still alive and able to interact, there could be a relationship to the parent. It may be positive, modest, intense, negative, or even take the form of denying a relationship. "I don't care if he is my dad. I want nothing to do with him!"
Hey! That's still a form of relationship.
If employed, a person has relationships with supervisors, co-workers and those who report to the person. They may not be "close" or "warm" or "friendly" relationships. But there is an ongoing, developing relationship.
The true loner who cannot remember her parents, who does not work for or with others, who shops only by mail and internet and never has anyone service any part of her life (car, home, furnace, etc.) may only have a relationship to the self. This person may be the epitome of poverty-stricken.
What do you think? As you review your here-and-now life, how many relationships of various kinds can you count? Share your insights and your responses with us, please.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Friday, July 18, 2014
Likes and Meaning
Whatever age you are, whatever your life journey has been, sometimes it is worth thinking. I'd like you to think about your relationships, not just the ones you currently are part of, but the ones in your history. Here are two questions to get you going:
1. What relationship(s) are now the most filled with power to affect your living?
2. What relationship(s) do you now enjoy the most?
Although there may be overlap, they may not be the same.
For instance, you may have a relationship with a supervisor or employee or customer that powerfully affects the way you feel, what you think about, or even what you day dream about. But you may not enjoy this relationship.
Following along, you may enjoy a relationship with a different person or family. "This is the BEST!" you think to yourself, often. But it may not affect your living nearly so much.
What discoveries are you making as you do this reflection? Leave a comment, if you care to, letting us know.
1. What relationship(s) are now the most filled with power to affect your living?
2. What relationship(s) do you now enjoy the most?
Although there may be overlap, they may not be the same.
For instance, you may have a relationship with a supervisor or employee or customer that powerfully affects the way you feel, what you think about, or even what you day dream about. But you may not enjoy this relationship.
Following along, you may enjoy a relationship with a different person or family. "This is the BEST!" you think to yourself, often. But it may not affect your living nearly so much.
What discoveries are you making as you do this reflection? Leave a comment, if you care to, letting us know.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Should I "Make" You Believe Something?
I don’t think so.
I also don’t think anyone else should make you believe something, or make me believe something. But. . .
I also don’t think anyone else should make you believe something, or make me believe something. But. . .
if someone helps me think, or provokes you to think, or inspires a new way of looking at something, I think something good has happened.
It seems to be the difference between "making you" and "helping you". A successful evangelist, whether for faith or for a product, whether for a point of view or for a certain brand of something, helps people consider it in a positive way.
Too many people are trying to force their opinions and beliefs on others. From Muslim fanatics to Christian fundamentalists, from cable companies seeking to build monopolies, cramming something down someone else's throat is just nasty.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Who Am I? - 2
As I mull over the question, "Who am I?", it seems to me important to remember what was important to me when I was young. I remember sticking up for littler kids. I remember helping other kids with their schoolwork. I remember asking my mom (dad was overseas, it was WWII time) for chores. I remember helping other kids I knew do their chores. So. . . maybe part of "who I am" is a person who likes to help people. Whether it's hardwired into my identity or something I learned, it seems to define a lot of my life.
So, as you retire, or prepare for retirement, or simply work on your own answer to the question of your own self, your personal identity, think about what you liked when you were young. It might help you figure out who you are now, especially if your life as an adult seems to have been characterized by that early impulse.
What do you think? What are you learning? Leave a comment and let us know.
So, as you retire, or prepare for retirement, or simply work on your own answer to the question of your own self, your personal identity, think about what you liked when you were young. It might help you figure out who you are now, especially if your life as an adult seems to have been characterized by that early impulse.
What do you think? What are you learning? Leave a comment and let us know.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Who Am I? - Part One
We are all, at times, nudged to "be who you are", to "discover your true self", and many to cultivate, at least in retirement, the self to which one aspires. Tricky.
Suppose you are not one of those people who KNEW, at age 5, 6, or 7, you wanted to be a doctor, fireman or whatever. Suppose, in fact, you are one of us who do not identify your identity with a job or vocation. Suppose that, like so many of us, you don't have a clue what the answer to "Who am I?" is.
Relating to one's self is not easy work. Figuring out WHO one's self is is as hard as figuring out who some other self is.
Who is he?
Well, that's Fred. And that person, over there, is John.
OK. You have a name. Do you have a sense of that person't self? Probably not. If you know your own name you know that there is more to you than your name.
Who is he? Who is she?
He's a logger. She's a nurse.
Great to know if you need trees cut and hauled, or expert medical care, but. . . who is he? who is she?
"What in blue blazes do you mean by that question?" you ask.
I answer, "What I mean and what you mean changes with each time the question is asked.
We might mean, "Is she nice?" "Is he competent?" "Is he a veteran?" "Does she face divorce?"
Or we might mean, "What is the essence of her identity, the foundational truth of his life?"
What comes to your mind when you ask the question, "Who am I?" What kind of answer, today, might you give yourself or someone who asks?
Leave a comment and let us know.
Suppose you are not one of those people who KNEW, at age 5, 6, or 7, you wanted to be a doctor, fireman or whatever. Suppose, in fact, you are one of us who do not identify your identity with a job or vocation. Suppose that, like so many of us, you don't have a clue what the answer to "Who am I?" is.
Relating to one's self is not easy work. Figuring out WHO one's self is is as hard as figuring out who some other self is.
Who is he?
Well, that's Fred. And that person, over there, is John.
OK. You have a name. Do you have a sense of that person't self? Probably not. If you know your own name you know that there is more to you than your name.
Who is he? Who is she?
He's a logger. She's a nurse.
Great to know if you need trees cut and hauled, or expert medical care, but. . . who is he? who is she?
"What in blue blazes do you mean by that question?" you ask.
I answer, "What I mean and what you mean changes with each time the question is asked.
We might mean, "Is she nice?" "Is he competent?" "Is he a veteran?" "Does she face divorce?"
Or we might mean, "What is the essence of her identity, the foundational truth of his life?"
What comes to your mind when you ask the question, "Who am I?" What kind of answer, today, might you give yourself or someone who asks?
Leave a comment and let us know.
Friday, April 25, 2014
My Self -- A Victim?
People say things about me, and do things that affect me. Probably the same can be said of you. People say things about you, and people do things that affect you.
Some of what is said and done impacts you, or describes you negatively.
Welcome to the "real world", or the world-as-it-is. What so many people don't "get" is this: they are generally not victims. NOT VICTIMS!!
But oh-so-many-people mentally describe themselves as victims. Even folks who appear outwardly to be fine, healthy, OK people think of themselves as victims. When a person believes she/he is a victim, it's easy to describe people as toxic, as hateful, as persecutors. The driver who won't let me into traffic is "a nasty SOB". The manager who requires you to work in the way you signed on to work is a bully. The co-worker who doesn't work up to your standard is victimizing you, making you do more work than you should have to. And the list goes on and on and on.
I suspect there are a few victims in the world. People displaced by floods and war, Syrian villagers being gassed by their own government, Jewish people in the 1930's and 1940's who were destroyed by Hitler's goons might qualify. Viktor Frankl, however, learned in the extermination camps that what person decided within herself or himself changed everything. "I'm not a victim -- I'm planning to write a symphony."
I"m not a victim, I have a book or two I want to read."
"I'm going to die, but I will die a fully human person, and live until I die. I am not a victim. I'm a human."
These folks mostly died in the gas chambers, but the few who survived to be liberated by the Allies often went on to bring Nazi criminals to justice, to write books, and symphonies and do useful things. They decided somehow, they were not victims.
Some events and people in the world might cut you off from something or someone you want, but only you can define yourself as a victim -- whiney, powerless, labeling others, a sad excuse for a human being. Your ARE MORE. Believe, and behave like it.
What do you think? Are you a victim? Share your comments and let us know.
Some of what is said and done impacts you, or describes you negatively.
Welcome to the "real world", or the world-as-it-is. What so many people don't "get" is this: they are generally not victims. NOT VICTIMS!!
But oh-so-many-people mentally describe themselves as victims. Even folks who appear outwardly to be fine, healthy, OK people think of themselves as victims. When a person believes she/he is a victim, it's easy to describe people as toxic, as hateful, as persecutors. The driver who won't let me into traffic is "a nasty SOB". The manager who requires you to work in the way you signed on to work is a bully. The co-worker who doesn't work up to your standard is victimizing you, making you do more work than you should have to. And the list goes on and on and on.
I suspect there are a few victims in the world. People displaced by floods and war, Syrian villagers being gassed by their own government, Jewish people in the 1930's and 1940's who were destroyed by Hitler's goons might qualify. Viktor Frankl, however, learned in the extermination camps that what person decided within herself or himself changed everything. "I'm not a victim -- I'm planning to write a symphony."
I"m not a victim, I have a book or two I want to read."
"I'm going to die, but I will die a fully human person, and live until I die. I am not a victim. I'm a human."
These folks mostly died in the gas chambers, but the few who survived to be liberated by the Allies often went on to bring Nazi criminals to justice, to write books, and symphonies and do useful things. They decided somehow, they were not victims.
Some events and people in the world might cut you off from something or someone you want, but only you can define yourself as a victim -- whiney, powerless, labeling others, a sad excuse for a human being. Your ARE MORE. Believe, and behave like it.
What do you think? Are you a victim? Share your comments and let us know.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Guilt and Self
I am reading Dr. Wayne Dwyer’s recent book, “I Can See More Clearly Now”. He reminds me of discoveries I have made along the way and I’d like to share one today.
He tells of a teacher who tried to make the class behave by making them feel guilty. That got me thinking about guilt, guilt trips people put on others, and the responses that come from within ourselves.
Many of us are not clear about the differences between guilt, shame, and feeling badly. Guilt is a “sentence” because a person has violated a norm or law or rule.
Shame, on the next hand (we will have to have three hands for this) is more a feeling. Wikopedia says (on April 3, 2014) "A "sense of shame" is the consciousness or awareness of shame as a state or condition. Such shame cognition may occur as a result of the experience of shame affect or, more generally, in any situation of embarrassment, dishonor, disgrace, inadequacy, humiliation, or chagrin.[3]”
On the third hand, then is something that may be a first cousin of shame, or may be something else. We just feel badly.
I can be guilty without feeling guilt. I can be ashamed of myself without anyone else’s help. I can feel badly for a wide variety of reasons. I want to raise the question, “What is MY part in any of this?”
Where I want to "go" with this reflection has to do with what I do to feel guilty.
A teacher, a friend, a parent, a child can speak accusingly, mock maliciously, or forcefully tell me how bad I am but it is within me to decide.
Let me be upfront. Learning to be my own boss takes practice and is far from easy. We are trained by our parents to "jump" when they say "jum;!", and by our teachers in school to feel guilty if the teacher is upset. It is a form of inner conditioning we need to unlearn while we learn to be in charge of ourselves.
Let me use an example or two.
A child is kept in the classroom while the rest of the class goes to an assembly, or our to recess. She behaves herself, reads, studies, thinks . . . whatever. Then she notices a child from another classroom taking a friend's hat. She goes over and asks this kid "Isn't that ____'s hat. You shouldn't take it."
The child she questions grabs an umbrella and slashes her in the face, causing pain, blood and screaming.
A teacher comes running in, stops the bleeding, disinfects the cut, and then chews her out for being guilty.
"Guilty of what?" she wonders. (The kid taking the hat doesn't, as far as she can tell, get in any trouble.)
Will she permit the teacher to "make her feel guilty", or will she somehow figure out that she does not need to feel guilt at all. She acted according to her moral guidance system trying to protect her classmate from theft.
"But it's the job of teachers to make us feel guilty when we have done wrong." some would protest.
Who says? They have rules to enforce, of course, to help us grow up, but I don't require them to "make me feel guilty" or even to "make me feel shame, or feel bad."
Even if it is written somewhere that making kids feel guilt is part of their job description, I don't have to go along with it. No kid does, really. Even if his/her parents seem to believe that adults should be making kids feel guilt. Shame. Badly.
Each of us gets to be in charge of our inner selves, and neither you nor I must feel what some other persons tells us to feel. Guilt included.
Check the next installment out for more on this. Meanwhile, leave your comment, your thinking, your questions, in the comment space. Thanks.
He tells of a teacher who tried to make the class behave by making them feel guilty. That got me thinking about guilt, guilt trips people put on others, and the responses that come from within ourselves.
Many of us are not clear about the differences between guilt, shame, and feeling badly. Guilt is a “sentence” because a person has violated a norm or law or rule.
Shame, on the next hand (we will have to have three hands for this) is more a feeling. Wikopedia says (on April 3, 2014) "A "sense of shame" is the consciousness or awareness of shame as a state or condition. Such shame cognition may occur as a result of the experience of shame affect or, more generally, in any situation of embarrassment, dishonor, disgrace, inadequacy, humiliation, or chagrin.[3]”
On the third hand, then is something that may be a first cousin of shame, or may be something else. We just feel badly.
I can be guilty without feeling guilt. I can be ashamed of myself without anyone else’s help. I can feel badly for a wide variety of reasons. I want to raise the question, “What is MY part in any of this?”
Where I want to "go" with this reflection has to do with what I do to feel guilty.
A teacher, a friend, a parent, a child can speak accusingly, mock maliciously, or forcefully tell me how bad I am but it is within me to decide.
- I get to decide if I am guilty of anything.
- I get to decide if I want this other person to control my feelings.
- I get to decide whether I like feeling guilty.
- I get to decide whether I can make changes without feeling guilty (I can!).
- I get to decide whether or not others are the boss of my 'inner me".
Let me be upfront. Learning to be my own boss takes practice and is far from easy. We are trained by our parents to "jump" when they say "jum;!", and by our teachers in school to feel guilty if the teacher is upset. It is a form of inner conditioning we need to unlearn while we learn to be in charge of ourselves.
Let me use an example or two.
A child is kept in the classroom while the rest of the class goes to an assembly, or our to recess. She behaves herself, reads, studies, thinks . . . whatever. Then she notices a child from another classroom taking a friend's hat. She goes over and asks this kid "Isn't that ____'s hat. You shouldn't take it."
The child she questions grabs an umbrella and slashes her in the face, causing pain, blood and screaming.
A teacher comes running in, stops the bleeding, disinfects the cut, and then chews her out for being guilty.
"Guilty of what?" she wonders. (The kid taking the hat doesn't, as far as she can tell, get in any trouble.)
Will she permit the teacher to "make her feel guilty", or will she somehow figure out that she does not need to feel guilt at all. She acted according to her moral guidance system trying to protect her classmate from theft.
"But it's the job of teachers to make us feel guilty when we have done wrong." some would protest.
Who says? They have rules to enforce, of course, to help us grow up, but I don't require them to "make me feel guilty" or even to "make me feel shame, or feel bad."
Even if it is written somewhere that making kids feel guilt is part of their job description, I don't have to go along with it. No kid does, really. Even if his/her parents seem to believe that adults should be making kids feel guilt. Shame. Badly.
Each of us gets to be in charge of our inner selves, and neither you nor I must feel what some other persons tells us to feel. Guilt included.
Check the next installment out for more on this. Meanwhile, leave your comment, your thinking, your questions, in the comment space. Thanks.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
No Way To Fail
How many people do you know (and do I know?) who are somewhat resentful? No matter how pleasant they seem, they get their dig in, express their "but", or purse their lips.
"What a wonderful dinner!" she says. "Too bad it wasn't salted enough."
"You are looking good, girl. But have you thought about a different color of lipstick?"
"Yes, his policies are exactly what we need. Too bad he leans to the left so much. It would be easier to support him."
I got to thinking the other evening -- what if you or I made a specific effort to be a "blessing man" or "blessing woman"? What would be the harm in it?
If you think about it, every blessing you or I give to another increases the goodness in our world. In fact, if we pray not just that someone's needs be met but that someone is blessed, we are going maximizing the positive, we are shooting for the very best!
What if the person you or I blesses rejects the blessing?
Well, it simply bounces back on the blessing man or the blessing woman, doesn't it?
That's the really neat part. You can give and give and give -- and you can never lose. There is simply no way to fail.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
"What a wonderful dinner!" she says. "Too bad it wasn't salted enough."
"You are looking good, girl. But have you thought about a different color of lipstick?"
"Yes, his policies are exactly what we need. Too bad he leans to the left so much. It would be easier to support him."
I got to thinking the other evening -- what if you or I made a specific effort to be a "blessing man" or "blessing woman"? What would be the harm in it?
If you think about it, every blessing you or I give to another increases the goodness in our world. In fact, if we pray not just that someone's needs be met but that someone is blessed, we are going maximizing the positive, we are shooting for the very best!
What if the person you or I blesses rejects the blessing?
Well, it simply bounces back on the blessing man or the blessing woman, doesn't it?
That's the really neat part. You can give and give and give -- and you can never lose. There is simply no way to fail.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Dean Koontz's character, Odd Thomas, has been a stick that causes brain stirring for me. Because I have been living with a broken relationship for a year an a half I have had to review my actions, my behavior, and my attitudes with relentless honesty.
I cannot find anything that makes me an exceptionally bad person.
“. . . the human heart is disheartened by the most unreasonable self-judgment, because even when we take on giants, we too often confuse failure with fault, which I know too well. The only way back from such a bleak despondency is to shape humiliation into humility, to strive always to triumph over the darkness while never forgetting that the horror and the beauty are more in the striving than in the winning. When triumph at last comes, our efforts alone could not have won the day without that grace which surpasses all understanding and which will, if we allow it, imbue our lives with meaning.”
Dean Koontz, “Odd Interlude”, p. 188 (paper)
I grew up in what I call the "old Tacoma bigot" mentality. A lot of certainty about what was right, what was wrong, and who was wrong (me) was drummed into me by not only my family but by the social context in which I lived. I'm probably not totally past it even now. "unreasonable self-judgment" comes easy to me.
Having said that, I have lived for fifty years getting past it, and learning to judge myself lightly and others even more lightly. More is the result of our human condition that we think, and we cannot be "blamed" for being born human.
What do you think about self reproach? Leave a comment and let us know.
I cannot find anything that makes me an exceptionally bad person.
“. . . the human heart is disheartened by the most unreasonable self-judgment, because even when we take on giants, we too often confuse failure with fault, which I know too well. The only way back from such a bleak despondency is to shape humiliation into humility, to strive always to triumph over the darkness while never forgetting that the horror and the beauty are more in the striving than in the winning. When triumph at last comes, our efforts alone could not have won the day without that grace which surpasses all understanding and which will, if we allow it, imbue our lives with meaning.”
Dean Koontz, “Odd Interlude”, p. 188 (paper)
I grew up in what I call the "old Tacoma bigot" mentality. A lot of certainty about what was right, what was wrong, and who was wrong (me) was drummed into me by not only my family but by the social context in which I lived. I'm probably not totally past it even now. "unreasonable self-judgment" comes easy to me.
Having said that, I have lived for fifty years getting past it, and learning to judge myself lightly and others even more lightly. More is the result of our human condition that we think, and we cannot be "blamed" for being born human.
What do you think about self reproach? Leave a comment and let us know.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Push, Pull or Procrastinate. Possibilities
The lizard brain might save us from sabre-toothed tigers (probably not) but it doesn't help us very much with relationships. I worte a bit ago about the experience of being marginalized. Whether it's a boss who marginalizes me or a daughter who rejects me, or an aging parent who throws me out for trying to help -- pushing that person away, or forcibly trying to pull the person closer, or even procrastinating seldom works.
What alternative does a human have?
I suppose a person can pray. I do. But if I'm not careful, praying is just a form of procrastination.
I know a person can express anger in a healthy way. For the moment, think about healthy ways to express anger. There are not many. . .
I advocate finding a trusted friend or counselor (the bartender doesn't usually count) and talking the problem out. See if putting it into words helps you get some clarity. After you have gotten the emotions out, try to see it from all angles. "I feel this, I experience this, etc.. . " Try to see it from the point of view of the person who has marginalized you. "She sees this, she has that point of view, he struggles with . . . "
When possible, begin developing a course of action. If you have to write hate-letters, do not send them. That's the lizard brain taking control. That tiger will chew you up.
If you have been marginalized in a relationship, do you redefine the relationship? Abandon the relationship? Take a time out from the relationship? Keep trying to make the relationship work? Seek reconciliation?
Clear communication will help if the other person(s) are willing to communicate as well. Plan on awkwardness. A neutral or trained third party present might be useful
I don't advocate thinking only, but using the frontal lobe of the brain usually contributes to achieving the best results.
It might not produce the desired results. We might have to accept better results than we get from only pushing people away, pulling the wrong people close or procrastinating. But we can get unstuck.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
What alternative does a human have?
I suppose a person can pray. I do. But if I'm not careful, praying is just a form of procrastination.
I know a person can express anger in a healthy way. For the moment, think about healthy ways to express anger. There are not many. . .
I advocate finding a trusted friend or counselor (the bartender doesn't usually count) and talking the problem out. See if putting it into words helps you get some clarity. After you have gotten the emotions out, try to see it from all angles. "I feel this, I experience this, etc.. . " Try to see it from the point of view of the person who has marginalized you. "She sees this, she has that point of view, he struggles with . . . "
When possible, begin developing a course of action. If you have to write hate-letters, do not send them. That's the lizard brain taking control. That tiger will chew you up.
If you have been marginalized in a relationship, do you redefine the relationship? Abandon the relationship? Take a time out from the relationship? Keep trying to make the relationship work? Seek reconciliation?
Clear communication will help if the other person(s) are willing to communicate as well. Plan on awkwardness. A neutral or trained third party present might be useful
I don't advocate thinking only, but using the frontal lobe of the brain usually contributes to achieving the best results.
It might not produce the desired results. We might have to accept better results than we get from only pushing people away, pulling the wrong people close or procrastinating. But we can get unstuck.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Push, Pull or Procrastinate? The Problem
Living as humans sucks, sometimes. Our lizard brain takes over at the darndest times, and most of us give in to it without thought. I suppose that's good if you are in a jungle running from a sabre-toothed tiger, but is works out poorly in relationships.
When someone marginalizes us, we react. Oh, once in awhile we pretend to act in a civilized way, but mostly inside we are reacting. If you were hired as a manager, for instance, and then have all your managing duties assigned to someone else, you are on the margin. No sure who you are or what is expected of you. Lots and lots of older employees, no matter how competent they are, are suddenly aware they have been marginalized this way.
They might start pushing people way. They feel humiliated, useless, angry. Sad, too. PUSH. PUSH AWAY! STAY OUT OF MY SPACE!!
Or such a marginalized person might start pulling people into inappropriate closeness. "Let me tell you about how bad I have been treated," she says to anyone who will listen. It doesn't feel any better, but se think it will if we just tell one more person.
Such a person might procrastinate. "It's a mistake. I can wait it out. Surely _____ will recognize my abilities, and change his/her mind."
Lizard brain: 1. Thinking, deciding brain: 0
What are the alternatives? Are there any useful alternatives?
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
When someone marginalizes us, we react. Oh, once in awhile we pretend to act in a civilized way, but mostly inside we are reacting. If you were hired as a manager, for instance, and then have all your managing duties assigned to someone else, you are on the margin. No sure who you are or what is expected of you. Lots and lots of older employees, no matter how competent they are, are suddenly aware they have been marginalized this way.
They might start pushing people way. They feel humiliated, useless, angry. Sad, too. PUSH. PUSH AWAY! STAY OUT OF MY SPACE!!
Or such a marginalized person might start pulling people into inappropriate closeness. "Let me tell you about how bad I have been treated," she says to anyone who will listen. It doesn't feel any better, but se think it will if we just tell one more person.
Such a person might procrastinate. "It's a mistake. I can wait it out. Surely _____ will recognize my abilities, and change his/her mind."
Lizard brain: 1. Thinking, deciding brain: 0
What are the alternatives? Are there any useful alternatives?
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
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