Dean Koontz's character, Odd Thomas, has been a stick that causes brain stirring for me.  Because I have been living with a broken relationship for a year an a half I have had to review my actions, my behavior, and my attitudes with relentless honesty.
 I cannot find anything that makes me an exceptionally bad person.

“. . . the human heart is disheartened by the most unreasonable self-judgment, because even when we take on giants, we too often confuse failure with fault, which I know too well.  The only way back from such a bleak despondency is to shape humiliation into humility, to strive always to triumph over the darkness while never forgetting that the horror and the beauty are more in the striving than in the winning. When triumph at last comes, our efforts alone could not have won the day without that grace which surpasses all understanding and which will, if we allow it, imbue our lives with meaning.”
  Dean Koontz, “Odd Interlude”, p. 188 (paper)

I grew up in what I call the "old Tacoma bigot" mentality.  A lot of certainty about what was right, what was wrong, and who was wrong (me) was drummed into me by not only my family but by the social context in which I lived.  I'm probably not totally past it even now.  "unreasonable self-judgment" comes easy to me.

Having said that, I have lived for fifty years getting past it, and learning to judge myself lightly and others even more lightly.  More is the result of our human condition that we think, and we cannot be "blamed" for being born human.

What do you think about self reproach?  Leave a comment and let us know.

Push, Pull or Procrastinate. Possibilities

The lizard brain might save us from sabre-toothed tigers (probably not) but it doesn't help us very much with relationships.  I worte a bit ago about the experience of being marginalized.  Whether it's a boss who marginalizes me or a daughter who rejects me, or an aging parent who throws me out for trying to help -- pushing that person away, or forcibly trying to pull the person closer, or even procrastinating seldom works.

What alternative does a human have?

I suppose a person can pray.  I do.  But if I'm not careful, praying is just a form of procrastination.

I know a person can express anger in a healthy way.  For the moment, think about healthy ways to express anger.  There are not many. . .

I advocate finding a trusted friend or counselor (the bartender doesn't usually count) and talking the problem out.  See if putting it into words helps you get some clarity.  After you have gotten the emotions out, try to see it from all angles.  "I feel this, I experience this, etc.. . "  Try to see it from the point of view of the person who has marginalized you.  "She sees this, she has that point of view, he struggles with . . . "

When possible, begin developing a course of action.  If you have to write hate-letters, do not send them.  That's the lizard brain taking control.  That tiger will chew you up.

If you have been marginalized in a relationship, do you redefine the relationship?  Abandon the relationship?  Take a time out from the relationship?  Keep trying to make the relationship work?  Seek reconciliation?

Clear communication will help if  the other person(s) are willing to communicate as well.  Plan on awkwardness.  A neutral or trained third party present might be useful

I don't advocate thinking only, but using the frontal lobe of the brain usually contributes to achieving the best results.

It might not produce the desired results.  We might have to accept better results than we get from only pushing people away, pulling the wrong people close or procrastinating.  But we can get unstuck.

What do you think?  Leave a comment and let us know.

Push, Pull or Procrastinate? The Problem

Living as humans sucks, sometimes.  Our lizard brain takes over at the darndest times, and most of us give in to it without thought.  I suppose that's good if you are in a jungle running from a sabre-toothed tiger, but is works out poorly in relationships.

When someone marginalizes us, we react.  Oh, once in awhile we pretend to act in a civilized way, but mostly inside we are reacting.  If you were hired as a manager, for instance, and then have all your managing duties assigned to someone else, you are on the margin.  No sure who you are or what is expected of you.  Lots and lots of older employees, no matter how competent they are, are suddenly aware they have been marginalized this way.

They might start pushing people way.  They feel humiliated, useless, angry.  Sad, too.  PUSH. PUSH AWAY!  STAY OUT OF MY SPACE!!

Or such a marginalized person might start pulling people into inappropriate closeness.  "Let me tell you about how bad I have been treated," she says to anyone who will listen.  It doesn't feel any better, but se think it will if we just tell one more person.

Such a person might procrastinate.  "It's a mistake.  I can wait it out.  Surely _____ will recognize my abilities, and change his/her mind."

Lizard brain:  1.  Thinking, deciding brain:  0

What are the alternatives?  Are there any useful alternatives?

What do you think?  Leave a comment and let us know.