Guilt and Self

I am reading Dr. Wayne Dwyer’s recent book, “I Can See More Clearly Now”.  He reminds me of discoveries I have made along the way and I’d like to share one today.  

He tells of a teacher who tried to make the class behave by making them feel guilty.  That got me thinking about guilt, guilt trips people put on others, and the responses that come from within ourselves. 

Many of us are not clear about the differences between guilt, shame, and feeling badly.  Guilt is a “sentence” because a person has violated a norm or law or rule.  

Shame, on the next hand (we will have to have three hands for this) is more a feeling.  Wikopedia says (on April 3, 2014) "A "sense of shame" is the consciousness or awareness of shame as a state or condition. Such shame cognition may occur as a result of the experience of shame affect or, more generally, in any situation of embarrassment, dishonor, disgrace, inadequacy, humiliation, or chagrin.[3]^”

On the third hand, then is something that may be a first cousin of shame, or may be something else.  We just feel badly.  

I can be guilty without feeling guilt.  I can be ashamed of myself without anyone else’s help.  I can feel badly for a wide variety of reasons.  I want to raise the question, “What is MY part in any of this?” 

Where I want to "go" with this reflection has to do with what I do to feel guilty.

A teacher, a friend, a parent, a child can speak accusingly, mock maliciously, or forcefully tell me how bad I am but it is within me to decide.  

• I get to decide if I am guilty of anything.
• I get to decide if I want this other person to control my feelings. 
• I get to decide whether I like feeling guilty.
• I get to decide whether I can make changes without feeling guilty (I can!). 
• I get to decide whether or not others are the boss of my 'inner me".

Let me be upfront.  Learning to be my own boss takes practice and is far from easy.  We are trained by our parents to "jump" when they say "jum;!", and by our teachers in school to feel guilty if the teacher is upset. It is a form of inner conditioning we need to unlearn while we learn to be in charge of ourselves.

Let me use an example or two.

A child is kept in the classroom while the rest of the class goes to an assembly, or our to recess.  She behaves herself, reads, studies, thinks . . . whatever.  Then she notices a child from another classroom taking a friend's hat.  She goes over and asks this kid "Isn't that ____'s hat.  You shouldn't take it."

The child she questions grabs an umbrella and slashes her in the face, causing pain, blood and screaming. 

A teacher comes running in, stops the bleeding, disinfects the cut, and then chews her out for being guilty.

"Guilty of what?" she wonders.  (The kid taking the hat doesn't, as far as she can tell, get in any trouble.)

Will she permit the teacher to "make her feel guilty", or will she somehow figure out that she does not need to feel guilt at all.  She acted according to her moral guidance system trying to protect her classmate from theft. 

"But it's the job of teachers to make us feel guilty when we have done wrong." some would protest.  

Who says?  They have rules to enforce, of course,  to help us grow up, but I don't require them to "make me feel guilty" or even to "make me feel shame, or feel bad."  

Even if it is written somewhere that making kids feel guilt is part of their job description, I don't have to go along with it.  No kid does, really.  Even if his/her parents seem to believe that adults should be making kids feel guilt. Shame.  Badly.  

Each of us gets to be in charge of our inner selves, and neither you nor I must feel what some other persons tells us to feel.  Guilt included.

Check the next installment out for more on this.  Meanwhile, leave your comment, your thinking, your questions, in the comment space.  Thanks.