I heard a Ricky Skaggs - Sharon White song about, "If I needed you would you come to me?"
One phrase, "I would come to you... I would swim the sea" made me think.
Most people I need don't need to swim the ocean. I need to have them listen and hear me.
I need people to find out what I need, and provide that, rather than what they think I need, or they want me to need.
I need people to respect me enough to set boundaries and communicate what the boundaries are for and what makes them need those boundaries.
I need people to value me even whey they disagree with me.
Well, you get the picture. Someone who will do the heroic gesture and then ignore me won't really meet my needs.
What about yours? Leave a comment and let us know what you need, and what you think of these kinds of things.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Relating to Aging People
Twenty-five years ago I worked with my sister to help place our mother in an assisted living housing situation. My mother's mind was not working well, and we had to have someone with her all day until my sister returned home from work. Even then she wandered away and nearly lost her life to exposure when she could not remember where she was or how to get home. She understood the need and participated in our search. The place where she spent her last years was warm, comfortable, and friendly. She made the adjustment well. Fairly well, actually, but we didn't know about the alcohol issues she continued to have until after her death.
Currently we face another situation, an aging parent, whose mind is farther gone and who is resisting efforts to care for her. She will shortly be admitted to an assisted living facility for her own safety. She lives alone and has done so for many years.
What are we learning?
First, she cannot be held responsible for her dementia. The circuits in her brain are not making reliable, accurate connections any more and what she says, how often she repeats herself, and what she fails to remember result from the deterioration of her brain, not from her conscious choices.
Second, back when she was mentally able, should could have helped by looking into assisted living. Scouting, as it were, and expressing her choices to her surviving children or others who would be helping her. She did not do so, and no one held her accountable at that time.
Third, we who are living as supportive, caring people can take precautions for our own surviving family. This goes beyond having a will, giving a medical power of attorney to someone we trust, and having a living will. Did I mention Long Term Health Care policies? As I write this my wife is putting together yet another box of "stuff" we don't use and don't need for Goodwill. Our goal is to leave our daughter as little to do as possible when one or both of us cannot live in this house any longer.
We listen to our friends who are selecting assisted living facilities. We listen for amenities, comfort, costs, stages of assistance. We talk occasionally with our daughter about our wishes, our preparations and our expectations. Incidentally, based on family genetics, we probably won't need such are for fifteen or twenty years.
We talk with each other about when to sell the house, and what kind of situation we would like to move in to.
Why?
Because we care about those who will survive us and we care about each other. We realize the need to prepare as much as we can to help our daughter, and maybe our granddaughters, by being proactive. We are choosing to relate positively.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
Currently we face another situation, an aging parent, whose mind is farther gone and who is resisting efforts to care for her. She will shortly be admitted to an assisted living facility for her own safety. She lives alone and has done so for many years.
What are we learning?
First, she cannot be held responsible for her dementia. The circuits in her brain are not making reliable, accurate connections any more and what she says, how often she repeats herself, and what she fails to remember result from the deterioration of her brain, not from her conscious choices.
Second, back when she was mentally able, should could have helped by looking into assisted living. Scouting, as it were, and expressing her choices to her surviving children or others who would be helping her. She did not do so, and no one held her accountable at that time.
Third, we who are living as supportive, caring people can take precautions for our own surviving family. This goes beyond having a will, giving a medical power of attorney to someone we trust, and having a living will. Did I mention Long Term Health Care policies? As I write this my wife is putting together yet another box of "stuff" we don't use and don't need for Goodwill. Our goal is to leave our daughter as little to do as possible when one or both of us cannot live in this house any longer.
We listen to our friends who are selecting assisted living facilities. We listen for amenities, comfort, costs, stages of assistance. We talk occasionally with our daughter about our wishes, our preparations and our expectations. Incidentally, based on family genetics, we probably won't need such are for fifteen or twenty years.
We talk with each other about when to sell the house, and what kind of situation we would like to move in to.
Why?
Because we care about those who will survive us and we care about each other. We realize the need to prepare as much as we can to help our daughter, and maybe our granddaughters, by being proactive. We are choosing to relate positively.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
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